Season I: shall this childhood beest ev'rm're?

 I long and long for memories that happened at least 100 moons ago, I long and long for things that matter nothing to me anymore, on the surface at least, I wonder why that is so? My soul is still in the classroom of XD. My soul is still in the classroom of VIIE. I remember the laughs that echoed in my ear as soon as I stepped into J block, where my eyes were full of life when my time was stuck within the four walls of room no. 204. What is it, that has changed?

I grew up.

Life’s most inevitable depressing thing is- flipping the pages of the calendar month after month indefinitely, season after season until you realize you will not be able to mark your date sheet on them anymore.

On one fortunate day, when I was going through my school album (that my parents delicately curated for me) I saw my friend Rishita making her grumpy childlike face and as soon as that I found myself dialing her number “Do you remember when you were playing with your panda, and I stole it and you started crying?” we laughed and laughed, she might be 1000 miles away now but her laugh, her memories and her mother like disposition will always be there carved in my big heart.

In the same album, I saw my 8th birthday party photos the classic Pizza Hut/McDonalds parties- there they all were the unforgettable dance on tables, the happy meal toys, the magic show, the “cake facial”, the pinata, the musical chairs, and the tattoos. I could hear our laughs from the motion picture my mom took 8 years ago.

But dear reader, what if it was not actually 8 years ago? What if I turned 8 this year? Would you believe that time is still in my mind, and I am still sitting there in McDonald's my hair pinned up dust collecting? Would you believe that I am right there, where I left my soul and my heart?

Then I found myself grinning over a photo of my 12th birthday- as soon as “Happy Birthday to you” ended, there it was Aarav’s hands full with cake smashing on my face and then everybody joined him and smothered me with cake.

 It was the best birthday I had.

When I was 8, I wished to be 16, but now that I’m 16- I wish my mom had come into my room in the middle of the night and screamed “LOOK UNDER THE TREE SANTA LEFT YOU GIFTS!!!” I wish my sister never told me that it was our mom and dad.

Just two days ago, I thought of the butterfly birthday card I made for Trisha, I told her that the butterflies signify that we will always stick together (I don’t remember exactly) but it was very ironic considering the fact that she and I don’t talk the way we used to, but her dimples when she smiled will always be there in my memories.

“Where’d the time go? Started to fly?” wisest words by Dr. Dog

But if it means that I grew up, will that mean I cannot have piggyback rides with my dad? If I grew up, I cannot sit on the kitchen counter while my mom cooks and recite “Old McDonald had a farm e-i-e-i-o”? or “bits of paper, bits of paper lying on the ground”? if I grew up, does that mean my sister wouldn’t drag me on the floor by my hand or would she not teach me how to skate on my Barbie skates? If I grew up will my Tauji not give me toffee every day just because he likes my presence around in his house? If I grew up will my dadi not tell me stories of my dad and his cousins, pestering her?

Does that mean, everything in my life that used to bring out joy and laughter in me will disappear just like…that?

Ojaswi sent me a photo a few days ago “tri color food competition 2018” (oh no), I was standing in the corner left with pigtails and a horrifying cat eye with pinching blue, along with me there were my best friends Ojaswi and Pratham grinning as if we won that competition, but in reality I had a breakdown just 2 minutes ago stressing over the fact that my dearest friends didn’t bring shit. (I’m sorry did I ruin a moment?)

Apparently, some things do not change. At least there is still something that feels like home.

“neigh” screamed my horse. I opened the old camera of my dad (2015)- and there I was with Didi, Nonu, and Manan horse riding in some weird fort that we went to, correction- HAUNTED FORT that we went to. We couldn’t sleep in hefty nights of that fort so instead we entertained each other with ghost stories (wow, how smart) and obviously being the most cowardly in the bunch ran to my parent’s room. I can never forget that, even though it wasn’t my brightest move still it’s a core memory

 Sometimes even to this date, my brother makes fun of me “Dekh Pari pizza delivery guy in haunted house…AH”

I was in the same class with the same people from 6th to 10th, so naturally you can say that I knew my classmates from their core. We were a very close-knit group of people at one point in time. So, when last year, I stepped into my new class XI F, my chest got heavy, because living in a world where as soon as I enter my class there won’t be Priya with her smirky smug face or weird bickering about Rishi and Param? Or Kanikawith her mastered bunking skills?

THERE IS NO HOME ANYMORE, THERE IS NO LIFE ANYMORE. I rioted for months.

Some might say I live in the past, but dear reader, I was happy in the past. Why wouldn’t I live there? Tell me, why? (aint nothing but a heartbreak)

Plus, just 6 months, and I’ll be off, no more school, no more Amity’s red brick(erring). For the last time ever in the history of forever, I’ll be the one packing bags one day and will never come back.

Dear reader,

Just like what Madeline Miller said I AM MADE OF MEMORIES

and

Another wise person once said “I am an archive of all the people I’ve ever loved”

“I’m gonna pack my things and leave you behind this feeling’s old and I know that I’ve made up my mind…I love you so”

Bye childhood will meet again (in another life).