Contemplating

 There was I, holding my future in my hand, hollowed, and stoned by Medusa. I was railed with contempt and weary from thinking. My heart was pounding in my ear and my legs were screaming in fear to let go. “Breathe in, breath out”- was slipping into my routine. My brain was spinning with the constant “you are not good enough”. I calmed myself for a second and cried the other, I found myself banging my head over the wall and bleeding with “what if?” “Why me?” as I looked up from my mockery on the Orion, I sensed how foolish I was being? But nothing still changed, I was still me. I was going from place to place, hoping I wouldn’t lose the way Poe did too.

I was finally knocked at the door with treasury in their hands, too much to offer than I could have grabbed, but something rang up that day inside me, I closed my eyes, grabbed, and thought of never looking back. But my affirmations were not as strong as I thought they’d be. I always struck my mind with “What if I couldn’t get this right?” and with this fact I never did. I was constantly teary and failing, yet I was given a thousand “it's okay, you got this” but how can I ‘get it’, when I know I cannot do this? I wanted to, but I didn’t deserve it. A person like me, I knew couldn’t do anything rather than pity on herself. Ha-ha look at me again, pitying.

I was tired and done with all, I was done trying and I was done trying to make everything better when it was already crushed into a million pieces, and no one and nothing could put me back on. But something rioted in me- gleaming like space over my head. I was finally coming to my senses and traced my mistakes; my major missing was when I was not being myself. So, this time I drew the picture from my own blood and tears, and this time I did not fail because I knew I wasn’t contemplating.